| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|03:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | doma | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none.. weird | ] |
Well, what it comes down to is probably either UF or FAU. Not quite yet though, I still have to wait to be rejected from the last 2 out of state schools first. Not optimistic at all anymore. I should have been more realistic this entire time.
But I can always thank my mom for making me feel worse about something I didn't think I could possibly feel worse about. Why did I have to be an only child in my weird small family. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | doma | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Benjamin "Breath" | ] |
As I walked to class today, already late for it, I asked myself the same question I've been asking myself for the past four years - why am I here?
R. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|12:06 am] |
у меня есть контрол по-русски завтра.
Prob some of the most broken Russian ever..
GH3 = amazingg
Scratch moded // random entry.
R OUT. |
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| Our Love To Admire |
[Aug. 4th, 2007|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rise Against "Worth Dying For" | ] |
Interpol may be one of the best bands ever.
Just thought I'd share that thought with the world.
Approx. two weeks 'till Gainesville... thank god. |
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| Random |
[Jun. 18th, 2007|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none =( | ] |
So now that summer A is less than a week from being finished, I can't wait for it to end. No, really. I don't want to do any more work for at least a month. AT LEAST. The problem is that I still have a quiz today (in like 20 minutes actually), a lab due tomorrow, and a huge project due Friday. And my parents are coming friday so I have to clean the whole house. *sigh* So much for enjoying my last week in Gainesville.
I really don't understand how more than half of the people I know are studying abroad right now. WTF. I have a blood relative that lives in Paris and I've never even been out of this country. And the people that went to actually "study"... what a fucking joke. Whatever, I'll just travel later when I don't have to go with a lame school group and take bullshit classes (AKA drinking under 21 101). Hahaha. I'm so clever.
You know how sometimes you know you really can't be friends with someone anymore because you have nothing in common but you deny it until you simply can't deny it any more? I have tried to be friends with my ex-boyfriend from work at home for over six months now, but after hanging out last week (if you can call trying to make conversation for an hour and twenty minutes hanging out)I've realized that it's impossible. Seriously. I give up. Not only do we have nothing in common but I might as well be pulling teeth while trying to make conversation about anything. The funny thing is, when I finally was honest with myself about the fact that we can't hang out anymore, it was a relief. Kinda weird.
-R. |
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| exams |
[Apr. 26th, 2007|02:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  whatev... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | south park | ] |
two finals down, three to go: one is today at 5.
sunday at 3.
next thurs at... 1230? I think.
south fla on sun 5/6.
gville on 5/12.
GIS class summer A, omg so much fun. NOT.
I'm not really getting a break from work this summer. um... that's kinda lame.
quack.
i think im done. i havent slept lately.
R. |
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| Random. |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silversun Pickups "Lazy Eye" | ] |
I don't know who reads this anymore, but it doesn't matter.
I've been thinking.
There comes a definite point in your life where you realize there are some people in your life that you need, and there are people that you don't.
This is actually pretty surprising. Well, it was for me anyway. I've learned a lot these past two years since I've graduated, but much more outside of school than in it. I am recognizable, yes. I am shades of my former self, but I don't think anyone can judge your character better than yourself. I think I've changed astronomically, at least in terms of thought patterns and the way I perceive others. I sometimes ask myself- how did I not see through all the bullshit and the fakeness in high school? Was I really that dense? I guess I was. The people I knew stood in front of me multiple times and lied to my fucking face. I was halfway there. I tried to stay away from all the fake people... but the joke, well, the irony I guess you could say, was that the most fake people that existed in that environment were the very people I chose to interact with. Years later this is mildly amusing. But when I started to realize it shortly after I graduated, it was more depressing than anything else.
No, not cute at all.
I was so scared in high school. I was so scared of just coming out and saying what was REALLY on my mind... in terms of everything. I would own up to about 60% of what I was thinking. I shouldn't have been so scared of losing my so-called friends. Senior year I should have told them all to fuck off, with the exception of very few I still communicate with. Why was I so scared of that? It's so difficult to put myself back there again and try to figure out why.
Luckily for me today I am not scared. And I believe that I am a better judge of character, and a better person as a result of all this. I am a somewhat big believer in karma... and all I have to say about that is, there are a few people I used to know who will someday get theirs. Probably when they least expect it. And by that point, it will be so far removed from my memory that it will almost seem like it didn't happen. Did it?
Really? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John freaking Mayer "Vultures". | ] |
Spring break is coming in a few days... which is...
I don't know what that is. I have a very mixed opinion about that.
I should be working on my fluvial morphology powerpoint now. Fuck.
The promise of no school for a week makes it very hard to concentrate. Lame.
I have a test thursday. why am I going to class today? I'm going to fight sleep the whole two hours.
Fan-tastic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|04:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  who knows.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bloc Party "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" | ] |
Ever have one of those nights? You know what I'm talking about.
Last night, everything got really fucked up.
And it's funny, because I had a really really bad feeling about it yesterday.
Maybe it's not so funny. No, it really isn't funny at all.
Last night I was seventeen again. I was back in high school, with the same bullshit and the same feelings of helplessness. Despite everything that I think has changed about myself, it hasn't. Not at all. I am the same stupid girl chasing after the same unreachable things. It happens over and over again. I have BEEN here before. So why is it bothering me so much this time?
I'm 20... that doesn't matter, I look different... that doesn't matter, I graduated two years ago, that doesn't matter... I have all different friends now, that doesn't matter. Nothing does. Powerless. When I put myself in this situation, nothing- and I mean nothing- can help me. And it's not like I chose to be in it, it just happened. Too bad it's not exactly something you have control over. The walls I hide behind, the crutches I stand on everyday for support, none of that matters. My designer clothes, my $25k car, my grades, my house and everything in it-- it doesn't matter. None of that matters. Because when it comes down to it, it's just me. Suddenly I stand alone- I am stripped of everything that makes me feel like myself. And the judgment is passed, and it's always too late. It is much too late. And even though I know deep down I could probably try and compete, there's always someone that seems better. Smarter, taller, prettier, stronger, better. Nothing is ever good enough.
I am starting to think that nothing matters... notice a pattern? I've said this before too.
I don't understand how it's happening again.
I try to forget, but I can't. Last night ripped the old wounds right open again. And THAT'S why I broke, and that's why I can't talk about it, and that's why I am still reeling from what happened years ago. Because whenever I get to that place again, I remember exactly what it was like.
A year ago I stood in my bathroom mirror in my apartment looking at myself, wondering. Could this be me? It couldn't, I thought. The next day I dropped architecture.
Two years ago I saw UF for the first time and the next week, I sat in the hallway of my house asking myself why everything was the way it was. And I got no answers.
Two weeks ago I didn't bother to ask any more questions, but even if I did, there still wouldn't be any answers.
Last night was one of my lowest, ugliest moments ever. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Never drink when you're upset to begin with. It gets much worse...
R. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Futureheads "Meantime" | ] |
In the next two days or so I am somewhere in between south and north central Florida. I don't feel like I'm in either.
I have so many unpleasant things to do, like clean. And freaking errands.
It doesn't feel like the holidays are coming.
-R. |
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