| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|03:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | doma | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none.. weird | ] |
Well, what it comes down to is probably either UF or FAU. Not quite yet though, I still have to wait to be rejected from the last 2 out of state schools first. Not optimistic at all anymore. I should have been more realistic this entire time.
But I can always thank my mom for making me feel worse about something I didn't think I could possibly feel worse about. Why did I have to be an only child in my weird small family. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | doma | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Benjamin "Breath" | ] |
As I walked to class today, already late for it, I asked myself the same question I've been asking myself for the past four years - why am I here?
R. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|12:06 am] |
у меня есть контрол по-русски завтра.
Prob some of the most broken Russian ever..
GH3 = amazingg
Scratch moded // random entry.
R OUT. |
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| Our Love To Admire |
[Aug. 4th, 2007|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rise Against "Worth Dying For" | ] |
Interpol may be one of the best bands ever.
Just thought I'd share that thought with the world.
Approx. two weeks 'till Gainesville... thank god. |
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| Random |
[Jun. 18th, 2007|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none =( | ] |
So now that summer A is less than a week from being finished, I can't wait for it to end. No, really. I don't want to do any more work for at least a month. AT LEAST. The problem is that I still have a quiz today (in like 20 minutes actually), a lab due tomorrow, and a huge project due Friday. And my parents are coming friday so I have to clean the whole house. *sigh* So much for enjoying my last week in Gainesville.
I really don't understand how more than half of the people I know are studying abroad right now. WTF. I have a blood relative that lives in Paris and I've never even been out of this country. And the people that went to actually "study"... what a fucking joke. Whatever, I'll just travel later when I don't have to go with a lame school group and take bullshit classes (AKA drinking under 21 101). Hahaha. I'm so clever.
You know how sometimes you know you really can't be friends with someone anymore because you have nothing in common but you deny it until you simply can't deny it any more? I have tried to be friends with my ex-boyfriend from work at home for over six months now, but after hanging out last week (if you can call trying to make conversation for an hour and twenty minutes hanging out)I've realized that it's impossible. Seriously. I give up. Not only do we have nothing in common but I might as well be pulling teeth while trying to make conversation about anything. The funny thing is, when I finally was honest with myself about the fact that we can't hang out anymore, it was a relief. Kinda weird.
-R. |
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| exams |
[Apr. 26th, 2007|02:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  whatev... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | south park | ] |
two finals down, three to go: one is today at 5.
sunday at 3.
next thurs at... 1230? I think.
south fla on sun 5/6.
gville on 5/12.
GIS class summer A, omg so much fun. NOT.
I'm not really getting a break from work this summer. um... that's kinda lame.
quack.
i think im done. i havent slept lately.
R. |
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| Random. |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silversun Pickups "Lazy Eye" | ] |
I don't know who reads this anymore, but it doesn't matter.
I've been thinking.
There comes a definite point in your life where you realize there are some people in your life that you need, and there are people that you don't.
This is actually pretty surprising. Well, it was for me anyway. I've learned a lot these past two years since I've graduated, but much more outside of school than in it. I am recognizable, yes. I am shades of my former self, but I don't think anyone can judge your character better than yourself. I think I've changed astronomically, at least in terms of thought patterns and the way I perceive others. I sometimes ask myself- how did I not see through all the bullshit and the fakeness in high school? Was I really that dense? I guess I was. The people I knew stood in front of me multiple times and lied to my fucking face. I was halfway there. I tried to stay away from all the fake people... but the joke, well, the irony I guess you could say, was that the most fake people that existed in that environment were the very people I chose to interact with. Years later this is mildly amusing. But when I started to realize it shortly after I graduated, it was more depressing than anything else.
No, not cute at all.
I was so scared in high school. I was so scared of just coming out and saying what was REALLY on my mind... in terms of everything. I would own up to about 60% of what I was thinking. I shouldn't have been so scared of losing my so-called friends. Senior year I should have told them all to fuck off, with the exception of very few I still communicate with. Why was I so scared of that? It's so difficult to put myself back there again and try to figure out why.
Luckily for me today I am not scared. And I believe that I am a better judge of character, and a better person as a result of all this. I am a somewhat big believer in karma... and all I have to say about that is, there are a few people I used to know who will someday get theirs. Probably when they least expect it. And by that point, it will be so far removed from my memory that it will almost seem like it didn't happen. Did it?
Really? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John freaking Mayer "Vultures". | ] |
Spring break is coming in a few days... which is...
I don't know what that is. I have a very mixed opinion about that.
I should be working on my fluvial morphology powerpoint now. Fuck.
The promise of no school for a week makes it very hard to concentrate. Lame.
I have a test thursday. why am I going to class today? I'm going to fight sleep the whole two hours.
Fan-tastic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|04:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  who knows.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bloc Party "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" | ] |
Ever have one of those nights? You know what I'm talking about.
Last night, everything got really fucked up.
And it's funny, because I had a really really bad feeling about it yesterday.
Maybe it's not so funny. No, it really isn't funny at all.
Last night I was seventeen again. I was back in high school, with the same bullshit and the same feelings of helplessness. Despite everything that I think has changed about myself, it hasn't. Not at all. I am the same stupid girl chasing after the same unreachable things. It happens over and over again. I have BEEN here before. So why is it bothering me so much this time?
I'm 20... that doesn't matter, I look different... that doesn't matter, I graduated two years ago, that doesn't matter... I have all different friends now, that doesn't matter. Nothing does. Powerless. When I put myself in this situation, nothing- and I mean nothing- can help me. And it's not like I chose to be in it, it just happened. Too bad it's not exactly something you have control over. The walls I hide behind, the crutches I stand on everyday for support, none of that matters. My designer clothes, my $25k car, my grades, my house and everything in it-- it doesn't matter. None of that matters. Because when it comes down to it, it's just me. Suddenly I stand alone- I am stripped of everything that makes me feel like myself. And the judgment is passed, and it's always too late. It is much too late. And even though I know deep down I could probably try and compete, there's always someone that seems better. Smarter, taller, prettier, stronger, better. Nothing is ever good enough.
I am starting to think that nothing matters... notice a pattern? I've said this before too.
I don't understand how it's happening again.
I try to forget, but I can't. Last night ripped the old wounds right open again. And THAT'S why I broke, and that's why I can't talk about it, and that's why I am still reeling from what happened years ago. Because whenever I get to that place again, I remember exactly what it was like.
A year ago I stood in my bathroom mirror in my apartment looking at myself, wondering. Could this be me? It couldn't, I thought. The next day I dropped architecture.
Two years ago I saw UF for the first time and the next week, I sat in the hallway of my house asking myself why everything was the way it was. And I got no answers.
Two weeks ago I didn't bother to ask any more questions, but even if I did, there still wouldn't be any answers.
Last night was one of my lowest, ugliest moments ever. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Never drink when you're upset to begin with. It gets much worse...
R. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Futureheads "Meantime" | ] |
In the next two days or so I am somewhere in between south and north central Florida. I don't feel like I'm in either.
I have so many unpleasant things to do, like clean. And freaking errands.
It doesn't feel like the holidays are coming.
-R. |
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|
| 2006 Post-Occupancy Evaluation |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|03:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | undecided | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Keane "A Bad Dream" | ] |
It began a lot quicker than it ever ended.
In a way I'm sad that this semester is over, it turned out to be pretty good. It was a semester of a lot of change actually, a lot of it on my part, when I look at it in retrospect. I started it off in August with the majority of my friends at home and missing home like crazy, and I end this semester with more friends in Gainesville and not really looking forward to going home... not really. If I didn't have over two weeks off, I might not have left at all. It is of course my decision to make, but I don't necessarily think that staying here is the answer either. I have about five days left now... which I find somewhat depressing, but I am trying to make the best of them.
Don't get me wrong. Going home is not this incredibly evil thing, it does have some intrinsic value somewhere. It's not so much that I don't enjoy being with my family, but I would rather them just visit me instead. Driving down there isn't exactly the most exciting of activities, and it's certainly not one of my favorites. And my job? All I can think of is how much I hated it here and how much the people there gossip and how I really don't care to listen to any of it. After working non-stop for the past few months I really just look forward to a vacation of sorts, not having to listen to garbage and scenes of high school drama mixed with coworker stupidity. I have to call my manager tomorrow and see if they even need me... if not then I will be completely and utterly bored the ENTIRE time that I am home. Wonderful. How soon is January 7th?
It isn't cold here anymore, but it was last week.
My internet is becoming complete garbage, it says someone else has the same IP address as I do. What the hell does that mean? I don't live with anyone else so how can that be possible.
My iPod no longer holds too much of a charge. Which is appropriate.
The good thing about going home is that I get to spend some quality time with my cat. That's good. He's always been known for great conversation.
Oh, and there's Belle, who I haven't seen since her graduation. I have missed her a lot lately.
Of course, I could always hang out with my mom, and I'm sure I will, but it seems that she's busy with her own stuff these days. What that is... I'm not really sure. My parents have adjusted very well to the whole empty nest concept. They are enjoying it now, and have avoided no opportunity to remind me of that. It kinda hurts my feelings a little bit when they tell me that they're so happy with it, even though I know they still miss me. I just thought that maybe they wouldn't react so gloriously when their only kid moved away. But then again, you never know how things are going to be until they occur. There was no way of predicting this.
It is very very late. In my book anyway. It is currently 3:03 AM. I have been somewhat bored all night, to one degree or another. The only tasks I accomplished that had some value were doing 30 minutes on the treadmill and watching the Nip/Tuck finale. It's a good thing I go to school because look at what my life becomes when I don't have classes or homework.
Tomorrow night, which also happens to be tonight, because it's 3 AM, Jess is having a goodbye dinner for AJ before he goes on his road trip across the country. That makes me kinda sad, I hope he does return to Gainesville at some point during my UF career. Donny and I are going to that and hopefully Thursday will be Borat and Dragonfly (again). AJ is graduating this week, along with Alicia, my neighbor and very good friend. She is having a party on Saturday night, and she mentioned perhaps going out Friday to celebrate. I am excited for her... and I am so glad that she's going to be around for spring semester and summer. I always seem to know someone that's graduating... i.e. my roommate last year. Weird.
I've been having these dreams lately where I wake up completely unaware of where I am. Last night I had one... I was back in high school, in my house. I was in my bedroom getting my clothes ready to go to a football game... I could hear my mom telling me to move faster because I was almost going to be late. I left and drove to school (that makes no sense because I never drove when I was in band) and then the dream skipped ahead to me sitting in the band room in my section where I always used to sit, and everyone was there... it was probably sophomore or junior year. There were random parts of activities we used to do before football games, like the locker room and waiting for everyone to line up. I was walking down the choir/band hallway when my alarm went off at 9:00 this morning in my Gainesville apartment, thus bringing me back to reality. I was completely disoriented for a good 10 seconds. Monday morning when we were in Disney I woke up confused too. Then I heard my parents talking about something and that threw me off even more. You have to understand... I live by myself so it's not like I usually wake up to people talking or other activity. I wonder what will happen tomorrow morning. Probably nothing. Maybe it's just stress. My finals are over now and all the odd feelings should go away. Maybe...
I realize now that this entry is completely illogical and parts of it are situated in a very wrong order. I guess you're just going to have to excuse that. It's one of those 3 AM things.
I leave my computer now in favor of a better inanimate object, my bed. Ahh, as Donny would say, precious slumber.
-R.
I wake up, it's a bad dream
no one on my side
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting
guess I'm not the fighting kind
wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side
but you're long gone,
yeah, you're long gone now |
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|
| Home |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|04:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  odd | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alias | ] |
It's a weird thing, going home. Now more than ever, because I have an actual place I call "home" up here in Gainesville. I feel so comfortable here... and yet, technically, home to me is Coral Springs. It's really weird. All I know is, I was really happy to come back last Friday and I was only gone for two days.
Another odd thing is that after rewatching it, I came to the realization that season 3 of Alias is actually really good. I never saw season 5, but now it is out and I am either going to rent it or buy it.
Unfortunately I'm not going to the SEC Championship game this Saturday because my friend that I was going to go with couldn't get a ticket. It's alright because I have four exams next Wednesday, and another one the following Tuesday. All time until then is spent studying... or at least it's supposed to be. No.. it shall be. Haha.
I got my first A on a college paper.
Coral Springs Petsmart is going to take me back...and nobody there has changed A BIT.
I am more in love with Atlanta and Georgia than I ever have been.
I have a new dining table, chairs, bed, TV stand for my bedroom, light fixtures, and kitchen faucet. IKEA is amazing.
I miss my cat.
School is over a week from tomorrow. :D
-R. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|08:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the oc | ] |
I am a work in progress.
I have three tests this week: mon (stat), tues (hist of landscape arch.), and fri (human geo).
Saturday = Atlanta... HOPEFULLY.
Me = not having the flu... ALSO, HOPEFULLY.
I went to the mall of millenia today and didn't buy anything. That makes me sad. Except that I quit my job and now I'm "poor," so I guess it's a good thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
I'm drowning in homeworkkk
somebody save me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|12:28 am] |
It's October 1st.
Yesterday I went to my first Gator football game.
Today I work... :/
Tomorrow I have a test that I havent even studied for yet.
And then... who knows.
Sometimes life is better when we don't know what's coming. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|07:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | printer printing a lecture... | ] |
I can't believe I am sick ALREADY. The year just started!!! :(
And Ernesto=garbage. We didn't miss a lick of school. wtf?! UCF did! I am very disappointed with the state of Florida right now.
Rose |
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| Back to the daily grind... |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good,but its gonna rain.. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Crowded House "Don't Dream It's Over" | ] |
So school started this week, and it wasn't as painful as I anticipated. It's really really cool actually. My classes seem very interesting and not the hellish torture last year's were (design one anyone?). I started working up here this week too, which was exhausting but cool. I met this really nice girl at work who goes to Santa Fe.. pretty sweet. Everyone seems really nice, as they did back home. And I LOVE my house. It's fantastic. I think piggy and twiggy like it too :) The only thing is I can't seem to control the A/C... it's always cold, which isn't that big of a deal except that they can't get too cold, they'll get upper respiratory. But I think it's gonna be alright, I put a towel over the cage last night lmao.
It's been raining up here almost every day, which is something that would normally make me pretty gloomy, but I've been having such a good week that it hasn't seemed to phase me. I have repeatedly gotten soaked walking to class/my car/wherever... and I barely even noticed. lol.
My parents left on wednesday, and today is their 20th wedding anniversary. omg.. isnt that crazy? I want to get them something, I know it'll be belated, but i want to anyway.
I miss home sometimes though, only when I get a spare moment to just simply think (which lately, has been rare). I miss prince and c.s. petsmart, and bryan, and brittany... and even felix sometimes. haha. Even though he said he wouldn't miss me I disconcur. I am going to get him a very loud gators hat. lmao.
That's all for now, I am waiting for erik to call so I can go pick him up from the mazda dealer... poor kid. Never a dull moment with cars; its always something.
Rose |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|01:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I don't want to go back to school.
k thats it bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|10:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yellowcard "Empty Apartment" | ] |
So I recently realized that three weeks from last Wednesday is the first day of classes. What the frick? That's pretty scary. More exciting than scary though. Okay, pretty scary too. New major! Yay! Ohhh... it's gonna be soo much work though. :( Eww.
I sit here today a completely different person than I was when spring semester ended. The changes are mostly internal, and I think that's why *I* notice them so much. It's funny... I never expected to meet people I clicked with so well... people I will undoubtedly miss when I'm gone. I started my job expecting very little and came out with way more than I bargained for. Not a bad deal...and I didn't even do that great in micro! lol.
The most important thing I realized was that feeling different about yourself involves way more than changing your hair color, or even moving to a new place. Change of this magnitude must come from within. I used to wonder if all the bad things that happened to me last year were somehow my fault, but I am 100% positive now that they were not. If people don't value me as a person, I will be more than happy to return the favor... or not return it? I dunno... you get the idea. And I decided once and for all to let go of my self-conscious tendencies... I don't have to apologize for or explain myself to anyone. (whew! that felt good.) I really don't care if people think that I'm spoiled, selfish, stupid, that I don't hang out with the right people, that I don't fit in because I don't drink and party all the time, etc. Whatever. Because for every person that does think those things... there is at least one other that doesn't. And that's all there is to it.
I guess that's about it for now. My last day of work is the 13th (a week from today), and I leave for Gainesville the 19th. And I can't wait for October because the new Killers record, the Sims Pets, and OC S3 are coming out. Good month.
Rose
PS. I am now (as of yesterday) an official employee of the Gainesville Petsmart. woohoo! :) |
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| often they've typically been starved for attention before |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  alright | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink182 "Mutt" | ] |
Over the past few days, I've been thinking about it, and I've sort of come to the conclusion that there's no happy medium for me between home and school.
I think the hardest thing about living on your own is coming home for three months and having to readjust to control and stupid comments and nearly constant criticism. It's just such garbage, and it's not that I don't like being at home, cause I definitely do, it just really pisses me off that I can't be left alone now.
I also think it's kinda funny how when I'm at school, all I feel like I'm doing is wasting time, but I'm really doing a lot of work... and when I'm home, and at work, I'm essentially doing nothing, but I feel so accomplished. This makes no sense, I know.
I also find it kind of ironic that the day I finally get around to downloading the song, the Arctic Monkeys lose their bassist.
A guinea pig died today. It was so sad. Geez, I can just imagine what vets have to look at sometimes. I don't think I'd ever be capable of that.
That's enough insight for one entry. |
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